The Pieces of My Broken Mirror

A nice little rhyming poem...

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:50:41 GMT

This poem is downright seussical... It was written by a high school classmate and I just recently came across it. It was great then and it's great now 6 year later, lol. Blade O'Neill = awesome kid.

The Permanent Prostitute

Then came the prostitute
In her slutty suit
She's one of Toni's whores
She goes through men like doors
She's truly the best of them all
If you want some your wallet can't be small
She's so naughty she deserves a spanking
She's the top in her ranking
She'll do it anywhere like Monica Lewinsky
To get her home, you don't even need whiskey
She gets lots of hickies
And sucks lots of dickies
She's so skanky like no other
She even did her brother
She's really tight
Haha yeah right
No one really begs
With one look she'll spread her legs
She's not too skinny, she's not too fat
If you pay her right, she'll do your cat
She's been like this since prom
I blame it on her mom
Even if you have smelly pits
She'll let you squeeze her tits
She hangs out with whores such as Cherry and Venus
But you never know which one has a penis
She'll be like this for life,
You can't turn a whore into a housewife.

~Blade O'Neill

Russian

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 03:39:24 GMT

It's amazing how quickly people come in and out of your life. Denis, my Russian friend, was someone I saw often at work over the summertime. Almost everyday that I came into work, Denis was there. Since September Denis has gone home and I have heard very little from him. We used to talk everyday, now we e-mail back and forth once a month (if that).

I find it so hard to believe that he played such an active role in my life just a few months ago. I used to see him often and think of him often too. Now, I think of him once a month (if that). It happens I suppose. This doesn't just happen with Denis, but with many people. One day, you may be great friends with someone and the next week you may find that you've forgotten this person altogether.

Life is unpredictable and doesn't seem to make too much logical sense to me. Oh well...

Life's hard lessons are only something that can be learned through experience. No matter how much we may want to pass on our knowledge, there is no way for a person to truly comprehend such things until they have experienced them for themselves.

I tried learning Russian. It's difficult. That and Denis are the extent of my interaction with Russian things. Well... and Alexei, but he's half Russian, half something else... Mediterranean? And matryoshkas... I love matryoshkas.... I don't know why. They aren't very entertaining, but I've always found them very amusing...

I just took a shower... It's cold... both inside and outside... the wintertime always makes me feel lethargic.....

College

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:14:09 GMT

so true.... =)

Why do I keep coming back?!

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:57:36 GMT

I don't know why I keep coming back to you livejournal, but I think it's ok. Ever since I could remember I've had a livejournal. Waaay back in middle school and now probably almost ten years later I still have one.

You are my non-judgemental friend.

Even when I have absolutely nothing interesting to say (like right now), you listen (sort of) and don't judge.

As I evaluate things right now I must say I am either bank or broke... I can't really say which because I'm not really sure.

I am nonsense right now.

I am perturbed by the finiteness of my temporality.

I smell like grossssss fooooodddd!! EWWW!!!! I just got home from work (made decent money tonight) and haven't changed my clothes or even taken my jacket off. Ok, yes I realize now that I must leave you beause I am disgusted with myself right now. I am in desperate need of a shower. The cheesecake Factory has amazing food, but being surrounded by all of it for several hours really doesn't do wonders for the way your clothes smell.....

Farewell for now livejournal.... sadly, my friend....

<3

Passive-Aggressive?

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 08:26:21 GMT

God! What's wrong with me?! I know what I have to do to get to sleep. I have to finish this goddamn piece of crap homework assignment. I'm contemplating missing my classes tomorrow, but that would be very bad... Plus I kinda like going to school for the most part. it's a destressor..... for the most part.

What I need right now is to smoke a freakin' carton of cigarettes!!!!

How much more appropriate could I have gotten with that icon picture thing? That's a picture of a reflection of me in a mirror!!!

Goodness, I know not what is wrong with me.... I feel like one of those morbidly depressed emo kids. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and yet I am not happy... I feel like everything I want is within reach and I want to take my time grabbing it, but there's something/someone pushing me to hurry up! That's sounds so fucking looney, but feels good to say out loud (so to speak).

I think this is just a combination of no sleep and being really tired and not desiring to work on my essay.... I don't know. Perhaps I will just try and sleep now and wake up early to finish it. You know the problem with that of course is that it won't make me happy at all. I will either wake up too early or too late, there's no such thing as an optimal time to wake up and even if there was it couldn't possibly come to truly exist because once I realized I thought I might be short on time I would hurry up and finish early or if the opposite happened and I thought I had plenty time, I'd take my time and run late. Plus, if I go to sleep now I won't have a good night's rest. It won't be good at all.

I feel like my mind is fogged with excess thoughts, insignificant things that don't matter. I seem so preoccupied with the future that I'm almost blinded by it and failing to see the present and what it is exactly that is right in front of me.

All I can say for right now is that I can't wait until the semester is over so that these heavy burdens will no longer be on my shoulders. Maybe it's time I moved back to the city.... perhaps I should look for a job or something. After all that's what adults do. For god's sake, I can't even drink yet!!! It's not so much that I WANT to drink I just hate being excluded from it. I hate having to worry about shit like "21 and over." Being the douche that says, "sorry guys it's 21 and over, can't go."

I'm so consumed with thoughts of nothingness, insignificance! Why the fuck should I care about what will happen tomorrow?! Why the fuck should I care who I will see? Fuck everyone, but fuck you the most! Fuck everyone, but fuck you the most!

Honestly, I think the ranting is helping me seriously de-cloud my brain. Hopefully soon I will be ready to complete this freaggin' homework assignment.

I wish life were simpler and not such a slap in the face. i know I say that a lot, but seriously, slap in the mother-fucking face... Why is happiness so complex? Shouldn't it technically be very simple. Be with those that make you happy and you will be happy and if you're happy everyone will be happy, amazing. Just doesn't work that way I'm afraid. Why the fuck does everything have to be some sort of psychological mind game. I don't fucking understand why everyone tries to exert dominance over others! That's just clearly WRONG! Yo, seriously, people need to learn to just be fucking honest... This little kid shit is really pissing me off, it's not a fucking game, it's goddamn life! Be straight with people, even if it means hurting them, they'll thank you for it later even if it hurts. Once they get over it, they'll be grateful they did and nothing beats that. On the other hand, if you don't hurt the person then you'll ultimately just end up making them happy and what's better than seeing the person who makes YOU happy, Happy?! God forbid we should be honest with one another in this world. I do fear the world would be (ironically) fucked if everyone were honest.

I want to see someone. I need a friend, someone to talk to, a good person though, without an agenda, someone who doesn't have some higher order prerogative... and I think I know exactly who that person could be... I'll give you a hint, he's awesome. =) Also, hope he doesn't read my livejournal because that would make me feel like a loser if I knew he knew I was thinking of him.... I think I'm makin' it sound waaaay more complex than it really is... oh well, let's shoot for Wednesday =)

FOCUS

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 03:36:22 GMT

Lately I've been having an incredibly difficult time focusing. I don't know why...

I've also come to terms with the fact that I might be sick. I don't really want to talk about it, but I'm definitely abusing my body... Sigh... oh well... let's hope I'm not as dumb as I think I am.

ANYWAY, on a much brighter note I ran into an old friend today. I had an interview at the Mesa Grill. I do hope I get the job, but eh we'll see I guess.

Um... anyway, Greg is my friend. Greg is awesome, therefore he is Greg Awesome. I believe the last time I saw Greg was in 2006... guess that isn't toooooo long ago, but it's still quite some time. Greg was one of the first people I met at Stony Brook during freshman year. In fact, I recall the first time I walked into the student affair's office looking for my brother, the friendliest and nicest person who actually tried to help me was Greg. Then, of course, there was the picture of Shrek and the picture with Greg wearing absolutely every single college sticker - ridiculous, but awesome... Hence the name, Greg Awesome.

As for my interview: well the lady (whose name I shall not type) said she liked me, but that I had to e-mail the general manager with my resume and that ultimately he'd really be the only person who would be able to hire me.

Life is good...

Life is also a big slap in the face...

oh well....

Black Friday?

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 22:17:16 GMT

As I went shopping Thursday night/Friday morning I couldn't help but wonder how I felt about black friday. While I am now a thousand dollars in debt, I can't help but feel it was soooo worth it. I mean, the more you spend, the more you save. HA

Went to James' for Thanksgiving or at least, part of it. We had Chinese food - rather fitting I suppose. Anyway, Scott was home so he told me all about the restaurant he works in (which I will leave unamed). He said he'd talk to his manager and try and get me an interview so I'm really keeping my fingers crossed!! =) He said it shouldn't be too hard for me to get the job esp considering the fact that he works there and so I've practically got a foot in the door.

The day was so gloomy. I can't believe it's only 5 pm and the day's been dark for several hours now. Anyway, I have a benefit thing to go to tonight. You know the big annual save the kids stuff in Manhasset. Well, I'm gonna get dressed now. Fancy dress, fancy hair, should be exciting.... wish me luck though, you know how much I love James' church.......

Cat Baths

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 02:42:12 GMT

Cat baths are quite possibly the worst idea ever. My cat hates everything and everyone, including me. I had told myself when I got her that I would never give her a bath. After all, cats are really hygienic all on their own. My father insisted I purchase shampoo because she was "starting to smell." Well, I got the shampoo long ago. We never gave her a bath.

About 4 days ago, I noticed my cat had something stuck on her posterior after having used her litter box. I figured perhaps she'd clean herself off at some point later on. Well, she didn't. It was really irritating to see her dirty like that so today I was determined to give her a bath. I did just this.

I don't think I ever felt her claws that deep in my flesh. It's safe to say my new a&f t-shirt is destroyed. She clawed holes throughout the entire shirt. I was soaking wet chasing my cat around my parents bathroom. To make matters just that much more enjoyable, my father attempted to help me bathe her. This was a very bad idea. Note to self: don't let your dad help you bathe kitty ever again...

I really couldn't have left the poop stuck on her. She needed to be bathed. it's done and over with. She's not more than 7 months old and she just experienced her first bath.... and hopefully her last, but that would be wishful thinking....

It's off to shopping I go now... Black Friday begins at midnight and Alan and I are gonna make the most of this black friday....

Reflecting

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 17:35:58 GMT

Perusing all the thoughts I've had through the years has (naturally) made me realize how insignificant thoughts can be sometimes. To this very day I am extremely amazed at the places life has taken me. I know not what to make of things. Here are a few interesting facts about my life since my last post:

1. I got a cat. It's name is Juno. She's evil.

2. I joined the U.S. Navy.

3. I'm no longer in the U.S. Navy.

4. They cut my hair. It's growing back.

5. I'm in my senior year of college - graduating next semester.

6. I realized life is a big slap in the face.

7. I got a new car (2009 Corolla).

8. I made a new friend, Allison Schuller, who I love very very very much! =)

9. I took out my piercings. They closed up. I just repierced them all... very painful.

10. I got a job at the Cheesecake Factory. I quit that job (when I left for boot camp). I got the job again and work there now. It is, by far, my favorite job (of all 5 ha) I've ever had.

11. I love makeup.

12. I love reality(/god?).

13. I still love ska.

14. I read Romeo and Juliet.

15. I play Nintendo DS like a 10 year old at a doctor's office.

16. I got back into swimming.

17. I smoke hookah and love it!

18. I got into youtube for a while, made some videos, but stopped.

19. I'm so lost and confused.

20. I try to stay positive, but I am often times highly troubled by seeking meaning in being and being unable to establish a foundation. I have tried to find some meaning in life - something to look for or perhaps just something to experience, but I can't. Everytime I get close to finding an answer, I find that my foundation was shaky and unstable and thus led me to a conclusion that was faulty. I have difficulties understanding perception and being independent of perception - is that even possible?

In retrospect, all the thoughts I had as a child seem naive and innocent. I am highly troubled and vexed.

This is what I look like today.

I watched the documentary "Sicko" a week ago. While I found some truth in the film, I ultimately found it to also be a huge waste of time. After about 30 minutes Michael Moore was simply beating the dead horse with a stick.... for another hour and a half.... Yes, I get it, our health care systems sucks ass. The end.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving...

My Army Ordeal

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 03:12:37 GMT

Chapter 1 - The Setup
So, I suppose it all began sometime when I was 14 or there about. That's the first time I remember talking about it at least It was Liana and I in my room going off tangent about something our "evil" parents (which at that particular moment they happened to be) had done at that point in our lives to ruin our summer. I had a plan. This was it. We were gonna run away to the army when we turned 18 and we were gonna enlist in the army to escape this evil we called our families. It was a flawless plan, it was perfect, so perfectly planned and no one could take it away from us. Only clearly it wasn't perfect, we were only kids then. As time went by we grew farther and farther apart and somehow life took us on seperate paths. I met Jimmy Haas. We were high school sweet-hearts and I graduated school early and went to Stony Brook. That's where life took me and not where Liana's life took her. We lost touch, very unfortunate, but hey that's what happens. I also lost touch with my best friend forever Katie who I loved to death, I think that more than anything broke my little heart. Years later, Katie and I were reunited at Stony Brook and things just weren't the same, unfortunately that's life for you. Anyway, back to my story. So my life got off track and I became distracted with everything that was going on in school and everything life brought me at age 17. It was a complete change going from being a completely sheltered child to having complete freedom at age 17 - classic college student life. So, it happens I became slightly out of control - not actually out of control in my opinion, but I'm sure it would seem that way to any outsider. After receiving several lectures over and over time and time again, usually the exact same lecture from my parents, I completely lost it. I lost my mind and was convinced then and there to carry out my life long dream of joining the military to become independent. So, there it happened sometime in March of 2007. I secretly went behind my parents back to and from the bronx armory for months. I had one recruiter and then another recruiter by the same name - which I am not going to list due to common courtesy, respect, and professionalism, despite their lack of it. So that pretty much sums up the first chapter of this story. Let's move on.

Chapter 2 - Now the Ordeal
Well, everything seemed to be going great. I went to MEPS.

Okay I don't wanna write anymore, so this chapter of the story is to be continued.... and so it will be, hopefully I won't forget and hopefully it will be comtinued by sometime tomorrow.

Goodnight livejournal. I <3 you, you were always there for me.

Applebees = wonderful place? or place of evil?

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 22:09:09 GMT

So, it's been quite a while since my last post. I think I say that pretty much in every single one of my posts. Well, much has happened in the past few weeks.

Okay, okay, rewind... the semester ended on pretty good terms. I had a pretty good semester, finals were as gut wrenching as always, but bareable and doable and ace-able.

NEXT - I started working at Applebees. I'm working at the new Applebees in Miller Place. At first, working there was one of the most wonderful things ever. The money was (and actually still is) very good. The work was heavy, but working always made me happy. Now, I'm not so sure I like serving. It's heavy work - like TOOO heavy work. In fact, I think the only trully happy moments I have there nowadays is mornings when I'm expo-ing. I love it, I love playing ecpo, =).

So, these past few weeks A LOT has happened. My father and I stopped talking almost altogether. I'm trully unphased by it though because it's much better this way. I think the less we talk, the closer we'll become in the long run. Or perhaps we'll never really reconcile, in which case I won't really be that phased either.

Next - I met SOOOO MANY people these past few weeks. I've made SOO MANY friends here in Long Island and that makes me really happy. It's so hard to make friends out here because everyone was born and raised with the friends they have and here I am the new girl with no friends here. In the city it's quite a different story though because I have many friends.

I've tried many new things these past few weeks too. I've tried drinking, smoking, and others which I don't feel comfortable discussing. Some experiences were good and some were bad. I've met SOOO MANY people and I love Long Island, even though I'll never tell anyone that, =).

I've never had quite so much fun in my life than I've had in these past few weeks. I've also had some unfortunate experiences. I was faced yet once again with the realization that boys can be big idiots. They care only about themselves and often don't care how their actions affect the girls that like them. I got this pretty cool quotation from Matt's wife's myspace, "You can only push a girl away for so long until she walks out of your life on her own so be careful and make sure this is what you want because once she turns around she isn't coming back..."

So - some cool people I've met. At applebees, I met this boy - his name is Joey - he does magic! =) Hehe, I love it. He's so cute with his deck of cards, always has a new trick for me. So, he was one of my customers and then I've seen him at Applebees many times after that and I always say hello. He's a nice boy, =). The last shift I worked he was one of my customers again and we sat down and chilled and talked for a while. =) Nice boy, and super adorable. =)

So, then there's Matt (server at Applebees) and his wife and Andy (expo at Applebees). Matt and his wife are so cute together and I saw pictures of their little girl - she's SOOOOOO cute!!!! There's also the other Matt - the host who is mad chill too. I love this kid, he's awesome. Always having something nice/funny/clever to say, =). ALSO, he goes to Stony Brook which is cool, I hope I run into him a lot on campus, =).

More people with babies: Amanda and her baby girl - I went out to lunch with her and her baby and Karen at Applebees, but the one in Riverhead. Zack (goes to SBU and he's in Veteran's Student Affairs) has a baby boy - Ryan - who I babysat, so cute. Zack is quite the character, =) so funny.

Then, there's Karen - who's super awesome. I love her, she's helped me get through so much these past few days that I've felt like crap. And then there's her friends - Jason, nice boy, a little shy, but definately a nice boy. There's also Pete who was adorable and who I was fortunate enough to experience something for the first time with (nothing dirty in case your mind was thinking bad things).

Moving on, or rather moving backwards a little bit. There's Jason Bartell (from Applebees). He was a sweet boy, but I don't know what happened between us and for some reason we can't be friends anymore, sigh oh well. I think he quit his job at Applebees. Oh and that's another thing, so many people have quit and/or lost their jobs at Applebees. It's sad to see so many people come in and out of your life so suddenly. =( That's one big thing that makes me sad about Applebees - seeing so many people leave my life.

Another super awesome Applebees character is Steve-O, =). Actually, it's Steve V. I <3 this boy. He is so adorable and awesome and cute, =). In addition to Steve, there's Jay-O and John. They're both super cool, and I <3 them. I love hugs and I love hugging people and getting hugged and noone gives better hugs than Steve and John, =).

Now, moving on there's last night's people - there was Aimee (I know she's not a new friend, but still I <3 her) then there was Jessie who is really cool, mad chill, =) nice people to hang around and be friends with. Also, she burned her hand, =( poor Jessie, I hope she feels better. Remember kids: even though playing with fire is fun, it can be dangerous. So before you play with fire make sure you have a fire extinguisher at hand! =) Then there was Erik who talked to grandma (Aimee's) and played beer pong with her. He was really adorable playing beer pong with her, =). Then there was Chris who was convinced the woods was better than the field, hahaha, lol, =). He was a nice person, quite a character, =). Finally, there was Aimee's brother Ryan who seemed like a very cool person. He wasn't a douche (not that I expected him to be, but just pointing out the fact that he wasn't at all not nice), but rather very nice and friendly, =), nice/cool people just like his sister Aimee, =).

Well, for now, that's it. I <3 all the people I've met, =). Friends = awesome...

It's Been A While... Not just a 311 song.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 00:07:02 GMT

So, It's been quite some time since my last update.

Lot's of things have happened. i've definately matured a lot. I got a job, and I'm not just talking about a job at a laboratory, although I have one of those too. I got this absolutely wonderul and at the same time dreadful job at this restaurant called Truffles. I'm quitting soon just to let you know, but it's definately been once of the most self-gratifying experiences of my life. I've met some wonderful people and met some awful people. I've learned a lot about life, a lot about money and how hard it is to come by it. I've definately learned the value of a dollar and how to cherish it. I love life and I love everything about life, even those bad moments we have.

For example, you might be upset one second because you thought you didn't ace an exam and be happy the next moment despite the fact that you actually didn't aced the exam, but that's okay. It's not all about being perfect. I'm not perfect. I have many imperfections, but there's something beautiful inside every single one of them. There's a beauty in each one of my imperfections and that's just wonderful.

Life should be cherished - I do realize that it was only yesterday that I saw "Saw III" and I'm not just saying these things because of that, but because it's true. Life is too short to waste time stressing over little stupid things like being angry or upset. I have lots of road rage when I drive, I've learned to get over it. It's not worth it. =) I'm just happy to be here. I felt a bit jealous - well I'm not sure jealousy is right word, but I guess perhaps a bit envious of 6 Oakmont Court. I went to this party at my neighbor's hosue, they live at 6 Oakmont Court - these people are obscenely rich! It's amazing how much money they spent on that party and just on their house alone. They had caterers there, an open buffet, an open bar, an enormous pool, an enormous house, ridiciloudly expensive furniture, appliances, cars, electronics, everything, they had waitrers waiting on their party, they had food, snacks, and desserts galore, it was wonderful! Life I said I was envious for about a minute before I realized or rather reminded myself that I'm not rich. My parents are self-made. They never had any help from anyone. They came to the US with not more than ten dollars in their pockets and made for themselves and for us- their children a fortune. We may not be as rich as these people, but we do have a lot. We have three houses, three cars, etc. It would be unreasonable to expect anymore of my parents. Considering where they came from and what they've become, it would be unreasonable to not just be grateful and happy that they've given me everything that they have. =) I'm grateful.

So, my time is up. Time to study for another exam. I will yet get into med-school! =)

<3

Check it out...

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 02:50:38 GMT

So, now I can update my livejournal and it'll show up on my facebook profile. That's AWESOME! =). It's adding two of the things I most love to create one awesome-ness-thingy.

On a much happier note - I've been having lots of fun hanging out with Alicia and Helio and Dan and Oscar - they're very cool people. Alicia is ESP. very cool - I really enjoy her company b/c she's a lot like me - she's my age about and has similar likes and similar problems and is kind and nice and pretty and awesome like me! =) LOL, and modest like me too.

Tomatoes having been coming out of the plants galore. There are so many tomatoes and I don't eat tomatoes, but it's a nice gift to give people - homemade tomatoes. Anyway, after picking the first tomato - dad and I posed with it. It was a memorable moment b/c we've never grown tomatoes - let alone anything at all that we can eat. My parents are enjoying the tomatoes.

(me after playing soccer outside and picking this)

(daddy posing like he's biting the tomato - hehe, so silly)
(I can't believe I actually gew this)

So, plans for tomorrow: Sarah, Fred, Lorena, and dad are coming to visit at BNL which should be nice. I wanted Sarah to come to get some exposure to science and in particular labs... I hope it's nice for her, =).

Also, even more great news, Helio hired me to work for him during the year - that's one thing I can cross of my to do list upon starting classes.

I took care of buying my books this morning and saved like a hundred dollars by buying them at stony books, =). I <3 Stony Books.

So, today I went to Stony Brook with Helio and worked on wrapping some more scintillators. Afterwards there was awesome Coldstone Mintster Ice cream. It was very good. We also had lunch at that new Egyptian place across the railroad - the owner made me happy and the food wasn't too bad, =).

Also, saw Ren while leaving the bookstore. We caught up - good times, good times.

Friday Alicia and I painted the lab walls with flourescent paint - it was pretty awesome. Helio had a short meeting Friday and as soon as he left for it I immediately ran next door to get Alicia. "Alicia c'mon we have to go." "Why?" "We have to go paint." "Where?" "On the walls." So we painted all over the walls and then we were flashing the blacklight on ourselves and I realized I had a bunch of specles of paint of my face and a smudge. Once Alicia saw this, she immediately dipped her hand in the paint and rubbed it all over her face, =) lol. It was so freaggin' scary to see her face glow in the darkness of the bathroom. So once Helio returned we pulled him into the bathroom (which didn't seem at all strange at the time) and then turned off the light and flashed the blacklight on our faces. It was really frightening to see Alicia's face - looked like It (the scary clown).

Check it out.

So, before internship is over Alicia and I have to go to the pool and play tennis, =).

Alrighty then I'm gonna go to sleep soon - gotta wake up early for work and a shower, =). Goodnight.

I'll just leave you with this pretty cool video: Washington.

Just a Memorable Quotation.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 02:45:01 GMT

"Life isn't worth living unless it is lived for someone else."

~Albert Einstein

This quotation makes me think abuot the "someone else"' we might live our lives for. I guess it depends on who you are, but also I'm sure we don't just live our lives for ONE other person. There's so many people. If you have a child - a tiny little baby - then perhaps you can say that you live your life for your child. I think the most obvious way in which you live your life for someone else is in the romantic way of a significant other, i.e. a spouse, lover, boyfriend/girlfriend. What about a parent? One could live their life to take care of their parents. I know Albert Einstein didn't place the emphasis on "someONE else," but just thinking about it made me want to point out that we live our lives for ALL our loved ones.

Two More Days 'Til the End of Ten Weeks

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 19:20:10 GMT

So, officially there's only two more days (including today) of internship left. It's a little saddening. It's always difficult to let go of things - adapting to change. Change is such a difficult thing to cope with. It just seems a bit like once the ten weeks are over, things will never be the same - perhaps that could be a good thing, but things like Deb will be missed.

Anyway, just taking a quick break to say that this summer was awesome and I am grateful that I was granted such an opportunity to learn, grow, and just in general get experience.

Thanks to everyone who helped me get where I am, in particular thanks Helio. =)

It's Been A While...

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 19:55:18 GMT

So, I suppose it's been quite some time since I last updated. My little vacation from Livejournal had nothing to do with having something personal against you livejournal, it was something a little more along the lines of being discouraged from using my livejournal b/c of some of my thoughts that someone else read and made me feel guilty about. Well, that's not important with any luck I won't be regretting this entry either.

So, since my last update - which I'm not exactly sure when that was, but since my last entry a few things have happen. Aside from research - which has also been quite interesting; I took a bartending course, I bought a bunch of new clothes, I started riding my bike to work, I got a new iPod, <strike>I met Sean McCorkle</strike> (no research yet), I met Frank McCourt, and actually that's just all my most recent activity.

Well, I must actually head out at this moment, but I will try to update just a bit more frequently. I do want to have some kind of memories from my youth and my poor little brain can't seem to fit all these things AND Organic Chemistry....

I shall return...

Positive Outlook

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 02:44:19 GMT

Okay [edit], so I do believe I've been bitter these last few days so I think it's about time I started writing nice things instead of being all bitchy...

Let's see, the sun came out today and it was beautiful. My work day was pretty short and that made it a nice day. I'm getting along better with Edward now (my brother) and now we talk on the phone. I had a sandwich and it was really tasty. John's coming to Stony Brook and I'm really excited! Elaine called me and told me she's almost done with her masters and I'm so proud of her for that - she's also not talking to Alan and thus getting over him so I'm proud of her for that too. I had a clementine and a pear and they were sweet so that also made me happy. I ran 4 laps today even though I felt like I wasn't going to make it after the 2nd lap, but I did it. I also played volleyball. Tolliy bought me a pink bear pillow and mat thing which was nice and a matreshka (I'm not a hundred percent on the spelling). For some reason, when my father's coworker gave me the matreshka (a seperate one), I do believe it was the best gift I had gotten from anyone for my birthday and among the best gifts anyone's ever given me.

Aside from all my ranting I'm really not a bad person. I don't hate people and I don't hold grudges. I don't like it when people are hurt and I don't like it when I'm the reason for it.

Let's see, today we moved our setup to BNL and ran five plateaus. I got out early and drove Deb to the gas station. I got home pretty early and played volleyball, good times. I also gave Luke 'constructive criticism.' I'm always rooting for the underdog and I really do hope he makes it big.

I considered updating my wiki and began to write up my word file, but then I didn't finish it.

Tania and Toliy packed their things and moved today. I <strike>can't</strike> don't want to say that I'm happy b/c I'm genuinely not 'happy.' However, I am relieved and I do wish things hadn't gotten so out of hand. I do believe things will be better this way.

So, things to look forward to. My whole family's coming out this weekend and that should be pretty fun. Alan's throwing a BBQ tomorrow and dad's having one on Sunday. Tom's coming tomorrow and that'll be nice b/c it'll be the first friendly face, non-work-related, that I'll have seen since like two weeks. Sunday is of course father's day and I'm pretty excited about that b/c despite my best efforts, I do love my father. =)

Okay, so I'm done for tonight, but maybe not, I'll update tomorrow on the events of the day to let you know what's up..... assuming anyone actually reads this and even if no one does, it'll be nice to have memories of me for when my children (assuming I have children) ask things of me. Oh and on that note, Jimmy hasn't called me today... first time since he's been there, but I know he's in Dublin and that is the reason for which he has not called. It's okay though, I hope he's having lots of fun and good times, =).

Still Very Tired...

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:06:47 GMT

Once again due to my lack of time/laziness (some would call it lack of time) I shall post two days in one.

[edit]1 - Tuesday
Yesterday we did a lot of discussion (as usual, somewhat). However, we also helped Jack out. This have been by far one of the best days I've had in a while, not because it's particularly better than the other days, but more because I think Deb and I really needed a little break to breathe from all those numbers that Lab View gives us.

Let's see, yesterday proved to be a difficult day because of the confusion and all the usual really. We ran a few runs to find the plateaus for scintillator three while changing the resistance on number 2 to 3, 5, and 7 ohms.

Today was lots of fun.

[edit]2 - Today
I came to a slight realization today and that is that no matter how many different resistances we change on one and two, the plateaus will be generally the same and the midpoint for three will fall genereally in the same place so that could help us determine a constant for three and that'll help us find a better (more accurate) resistance for one and two.

I also came to another realization and that it that my frustration arises from the thought of that what we're doing in lab could just be a big waste of time. The thing is that we really have no way of knowing that what we're doing is really a good use of time. There is no spoon, sort of. There is no right answer! This, in and of itself, drives me crazy and to the point of frustration. I want to solve a puzzle, not keep starting from scratch. I want to start from somewhere that I know (and am certain) is right.

So, we ran more plateaus varying resistors. Nate came to the conclusion that as we lower the resistance, we get more noise and since we get more noise, our efficieny lowers. Actually, he came to one of two conclusions and it had to be one of them by default. One possibility is that we're reading more actual cosmic particles, but this didn't make sense b/c if this was the case then we'd have a higher efficiency, but since we don't it has to be that there is an increase in noise b/c the two-fold rate count is going up, but the three-fold is not. It's a slightly confusing topic and I suppose I'm not making it too much easier to understand, but I'm trying my best.

We discussed the plans for tomorrow. What we came up with was that we'd finish plateauing the scintillators and finally move them to BNL in the afternoon. Also, I spoke with Deb after she got out of lab and she said that Jack had a bunch of work for us tomorrow which I'm really excited about. =)

Alas, we ended (or rather, I did) with helping Jack - highlight of my day mind you.

I <3 Jack and Jimmy and Natasha Bedingfield... she makes me feel so happy, =)

So Tired...

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 23:44:16 GMT

I'm running on four hours of sleep. I was suffering from insomnia, must've been insomnia b/c I was tired enough to go to sleep, but I just couldn't fall asleep. I literally spent four hours lying down in bed and then eventually giving up trying to fall asleep and just playing on my computer. I finally felt tired enough to go to sleep around 4:30 am.

Sometimes I feel smothered, but not by Jimmy or anything, I mean smothered by people stepping all over me... Deb's right, I should stand up for myself, but I'm just too scared I suppose. I feel like I'm in the center of a room yelling at the tops of my lungs, but no one even notices me.

I had somewhat of a meltdown today. Last night I went to the kitchen to take out the recycle cans and all, but to my surprise (something was wrong) there were pieces of chicken fat and onion in the recycle bin. WTF?!?! Are you so stupid that you see the cans and bottles and you've been living here for quite some time and yet you decide to throw shit away in the recycle bin b/c you can't find the trash can. Well, yesterday morning I took out the trash b/c it was overfilling and I knew no one would if I didn't. So, I took it out and I had to take out the big bag (we cover the trash can with a big bag and then a smaller shopping bag to throw garbage in this way the trash can never gets dirty) b/c (BIG SURPISE) Tania and Toliy had thrown away all the rice and garbage over the small bag, IDIOTS! How stupid are you?! I know I probably sound harsh, but c'mon how stupid do you have to be to throw chicken fat and shit like that into the recycle bin over the bottles. Then, when I was seeping my hands into the disgusting garbage, Tania just stood there and said "oh I threw some things in there." I just thought to myself, "no kidding." She should've put her hands through that garbage, not me. W/E so I took out the recycle by myself with no help whatsoever from the people that are making my life a living hell. I really don't feel comfortable in my home anymore. I don't leave my room too much once I get here b/c I don't feel comfortable in my house. I feel like this is their house and I'm some kind of outsider.

So I explained to them (as if they were retarded children) how to throw trash away. I explained to them that the little bag is there so that the garbage doesn't fall into the big bag and then I told them that cans and bottles go into recycle and that paper also has its own little bag. Tania seemed mad at me. Toliy immediately volunteered to take the garbage out tomorrow since I had done it that night and I just wanted to slap him b/c I seriously took it as an insult that he would think me fool enough to believe his flat out lies. It made me so mad.

Well that's not what pushed into a meltdown, what did it was that they brought over two of their friends (whom I know not) to stay over for the night. I think the paranoia might've been part of the reason why I couldn't sleep last night. I was so paranoid that I'd wake up tomorrow morning and that half of my stuff would be missing, including my car. How dare they bring people into this house, MY HOUSE, without even asking for permission. I don't even bring people over without first asking my parents if it's okay. They have absolutely NO courtesy whatsoever! Seriously, they wouldn't know courtesy if it slapped them right on the face.

So, I spent the first half hour bitching to Deb about how pissed and upset I was about this. BTW, thanks for listening Deb, =). She gave me good advice that I should follow, but am too cowardly to actually follow.

So, yeah I'm gonna hold off on what we did in lab for a bit b/c I do have to copy and paste it.

Also, I'm gonna go running soon.

Oh yeah I have a list of reason why I don't feel comfortable in my own home, Deb helped me write it, again, thank you. I'll post it in a bit.

I gotta get moving on that run before the sun goes completely down and it starts to rain... assuming it rains today.

So, Alan, Vlad and I went to Costco after research and Alan told me he was having a BBQ Saturday (btw any and all are welcome, just call me and let me know you're coming if you are) and so I decided to invite Deb and Tom. Deb has to go home for Father's Day - makes sense, so it's cool. Tom on the other hand lives a twenty minute drive (I assume 20 mins) from me so he said he'd come, probably and that he'd bring his twin brother. I didn't know Tom had a twin brother! I hope he does come though b/c I don't want to be alone this weekend, what with Jimmy gone and all my friends living in the city it's hard not to feel lonely... but then again, Tom's coming so, =)!

Hm... had something else to say but it escapes me at the moment, maybe I'll remember when I get back from my run... okie doke, =) Be back in a bit.

Old Quiz, "Why Are You Going to Hell?"

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 07:21:26 GMT

I thought I'd be going to hell for another reason, but this one will also send me there.

Why Will You Go To Hell?

You kill and eat little children, and probably molest their corpses.

You're not trying hard enough, though, because there's still plenty of assholes in the world! You might go to Heaven if you can thin the herd a bit. The Lord hates fuckers hanging around and messing up His Creation, after all. HOP TO IT.

Sicko.
Take this quiz!

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BTW, I DON'T molest children. They are tasty though.

I found this quiz on one of my old entries and thought I should take it again to see if my reason for going to hell has changed, but apparetnly not.

ANYWAY, today was quite a fun, but rather long day. I think I got out at around 5 and dropped Deb off and went to Tanger, got some headphones, and now I'm home. Oh, I also had lunch/dinner. I'm goin' for a run in a bit, around 7:50 b/c that's about the time that the sun goes down. I don't like running while the sun is shining bright, it hurts and burns and makes it really, really hot.

Oh, right, so today we did that which we do every single darn day, we ran the scintillators and got a bunch of plateaus. HOWEVER, whilst Nate looked for more resistors of lower ohm-age (?), I asked Jack if he needed help with anything and he suggested Deb and I clean off some switches using soldering irons, which made today, by far the best day since we started. Jack is awesome, in other words, Jack = awesome. =)

Then, when we were not under supervision, Deb and I proceeded to fool around and play with lab equipment. ~~We wedged~~ Deb wedged 14 pieces of paper in this "hole punch looking wrench," it wasn't really a hole punch, it was a wrench thing and we couldn't pull it apart. We laughed so hard. In fact, today we laughed the loudest since we've met.

Also, that French guy, well it turns out he's not French and I'm just terrible at identifying people's bakgrounds. He's Ukranian (and also from the Republic of Georgia). His accent's really soft though, so it sounded slightly French to me. Well, he showed us UV lights in the dark room and then showed us how to better solder b/c we were having difficulty with it at first, but then became pros at it, Deb esp. She was so fast at it. I was slower, but efficient. ~~He's so hot...~~ Ahem, I mean...

I haven't talked to John in quite some time. I get the feeling he's pissed at me. Well, there's not really too much I can do about that, but, eh. I hope thing's get cleared up, I really don't want to have such a belligerant relationship with someone.

Okay, so I'm gonna start warming up for my run today and I'll post more later, once I return from my run. =)

The Mosquito Ringtone, what?!

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 04:05:07 GMT

So, I'm watching the news and I think I've gone deaf. My ears are still being tickled inside, it's the strangest thing ever. So, channel 11 news always has pretty decent and intersting news. Tonight, one story was "The Mosquito Ringtone." I have taken the liberty of googling it and here's the link. I highly suggest that you check it out. You can go to the top-middle-ish of the page and click on a link that says 'sample of the ringtone "here"' to hear it. So what's the deal? Well, apparently if you're above a certain age, you won't be able to hear it. That age being about 25 or at least that's around the age where you begin to lose your hearing. I heard this particular sound clip and it was like a shrieking sound with light buzzing/car motor running, very strange and it tickled my ear quite a bit. Supposedly in the news clip they said that when they polled or question rather people above the age of about 25, they had lots of difficulty hearing it if they even had any luck hearing it at all which they usually didn't. This was pretty interesting.

Okay, so now back to Friday's research stuff and today's research stuff. So I'm gonna address these days in two sections:

As far as actual data goes, I shall post all my data (what I've obtained thus far) in a PDF file a little later, but for now I shall keep a log of my experiences in the lab so far.

1 - Friday) Around this point is where I think we began debating the issue of what came first the "chicken or the egg?" - so to speak of course. The actual confusion arises upon trying to determine how to go about beginning the process of plateauing - i.e. where do we begin as far as resistance goes? The question is simple enough, the answer, not so simple.

As I review my notes from Friday I realize that Friday was the first day that we encountered the problem of the possibility of our data from previous tests being inaccurate due to the fact that we're running the resistance of scintillators 1 and 2 at resistances we found to begin with from help. See this is how I see it, we had an initial starting point as far as resistance goes (12 ohms and 15 ohms for the two starting scintillators). From this starting point we got a new set of data. This was among our first times doing these runs and as such (and also b/c we're not very experienced with this) I don't really trust my data. Well, assuming our data is not accurate (or it could be accurate) then any data we got afterwards using this initial incorrect data would also be inaccurate. I was wondering if there was any systematic way of determining from scratch (without the help of a starting point) the best resistors and thresholds for the systems.

So, we varied a few resistors and got quite a few strange results, anomalies really b/c they made no sense. When we changed the resistors in scintillators one and two from 15 and 15 ohms to 10 and 10 ohms, the efficiency of our results dropped drastically from 90% almost to 60%. Also when we changed the resistors to 10 each, the single counts were off the roof, greatly over 20,000 counts per second which Nate explained to us was too high and is not advisable to run at rates of counts this high. After these strange results we ran a few more tests to see if our results were still strange, but things seemed to return to normal.

2 - Monday) Today we continued our work from Friday. ONLY this time, we basically took an approach of starting from scratch, SCRATCH. We took two random scintillators and tried out a general resistor of 10 ohms and varied it and got several plateaus. Nate told us that our goal was to get the lowest possible resistor that gave a nice plateau b/c after a certain point (resistor-wise) the resistance will start to screen out all the particles that hit the scintillators at angles or on corners b/c they won't have enough energy to be detected by the photomultiplier tube.

So, we tested the same set of three scintillators while only varying the resistor on one (and three for the plateau) and then after we varied one a few times, we varied the resistor on scintillator two. We got a few curves, but they looked rather similar and this is when Nate explained to us about the resistors screening out certain particles and as a result of that the efficiency was going up b/c it was only detecting really "good" particles or "ideal" particles that would give you good efficiencies. We did not finish varying scintillator number 2 fully so that will be left for tomorrow.

Also, one last note is that we ran the scintillators for about 15 minutes both Friday and Monday. I will post this data, along with all our other data in one of my next entries.

Those last few paragraphs I copy and paste into my wiki file, which is why it probably sounded so formal and all.

Well, it's off to bed for me. I have to wake up early so I can shower and have breakfast and maybe stop by the supermarket and pick up some produce? Well, we'll see. Also, the setup (lab setup) will be moved to BNL this week (probably by Thursday) which is hella cool b/c I won't have to drive as far anymore, although unfortunately for Deb, she's gonna have to make a long commute. =( Well, I'll excited, but tired and chillaxin' so I'm gonna go ahead and fall asleep now, goodnight. =)

Oh and I talked to Mi tonight and he said his day was awful b/c he had 3 hours of literature and then 2 hours of history, but that the literature was especially bad. He was also running on very low amounts of sleep, =(. However, he did have a little excursion to a nearby city that night. We make lots of jokes about Irish people and drinking. He says there's nothing to eat in Ireland and I said something along the lines of "b/c their main food group is liquor." Well, maybe not so funny, but I thought it was humorous. Okay, NOW it's really goodnight. =)

My Confusion Persists, Followed by Another Lecture on Cosmics

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 23:31:40 GMT

So, I have not updated in quite some time. Of course, when I say quite some time, I am referring to since Friday morning (afternoon?).

So, as I am about to embark on my next journey of the day (a jog), I go to my mailbox (to see what's in the mail) and there it is, my first paycheck, EVER! Only the discoverer of King Tut's tomb could understand the amazement he/she felt upon discovering this old tomb. Similarly, only I could understand the amazement of receiving my first paycheck. I was so excited upon my discovery that I just had to write about it. So, I'm really excited.

What else? What else? Well, I suppose it's best to start from Friday. Friday I dropped Deb off after research and went to pick mom up at Port Jeff station with Alan. When we got there, we waited a bit; her train was delayed a tiny bit so once it got there, she came over to the car and I thought she had gotten on so I started to drive off when I hear her telling me to wait so I look back and she's packing something in the trunk. Then there's a man behind me trying to get out of his spot so he nearly runs my mother over and so she hurries into the car. We drive home and well that night's when the house party started. It was first just mom and I, but then things got real heavy when Tania and Toliy and Alan and Kasha got home. Well, we slept all day next day. Then Sunday morning (and when I say morning I mean afternoon), I planted some corn and then played volleyball with Tania and talked to the neighbors. Finally figured out how the garbage works. SOOO, I think I HAVE to comemorate this memory: Monday morning garbage (take out Sunday night), Wednesday morning recycle (alternating btwn plastics and bottles and paper - take out Tuesday night) and finally Thursday morning garbage (take out Wednesday night).

Well, enough of all that garbage talk. So, then I dropped my mom off at Port Jeff station and she nearly missed her train, but we got her there nice and smooth (and fast). Got home, Tania cooked dope food (really, really good) and then Tania and I ate while watching TV which was really nice b/c the lack of Jim has made my life lonely-ish - as in I don't have someone to hang out with every single day. Hanging out with Tania was nice - oh and I forgot to mention that earlier that day (before I planted the corn) I played Kingdom Hearts 2 with Tania and that game was actually not bad.

After food I did Tania's nails and her nails turned out really nice: A) b/c she has nice, long nails to begin with and B) I'm really good at painting nails. So, they were a bright red with white flowers on them. Then Kasha came and I did her nails and then we played Pump It Up (I've so missed that game). Oh and Tania did my hair which was really relaxing and I just always like when people touch my head, it makes me sleepy and I like sleep therefore: people touch my head = good.

I have these really random bruises on my knees and general leg areas. Strange, don't know where they came from.

I need to buy some headphones from SONY store b/c Alan lost my awesome headphones, =(.

Well, aside from research that's pretty much everything that's happened to me these last few days... and also road rage, too many angry drivers. I don't like driving in New York, I imagine it's very different in places like Wisconsin.

My piercing is coming along pretty well. I think it's pretty much healed for the most part.

SOOO, I'm not sure if I want to keep writing and go on to write about Friday's and Today's research or just go off running now. The thing is that it's still really, really sunny out so I fear suffering from heat stroke. SOO, I'll just go on to write just a little bit about research - well more like today's meeting.

Well, actually okay, I'll write about Friday morning. So, woke up and drove to BNL to give in the papers (Deb and mine's) and so one of the papers wasn't signed and Kathy asked me to just quickly so get them signed if I could. I went to Helio's office and no one was there and so I went to the office and the bald man was there (I can't remember his name, but he's cool) and so he signed the papers for me. He kinda had to sign the papers b/c Helio had gone out of town. Then I ran back to Kathy's office and she remarked on how quick I was. Come to think of it, she might've thought I forged it, but in the case she did, I do have an aliby b/c he did indeed sign the papers.

Drove to SBU and worked for a few hours (I'll write about all this when I get back). We continued the work Monday (I'll write about this too later). During the waiting times for the 120 seconds for the plataeus, we met (well not really met, but got to know better) Jack and that French guy who's always there (is he French? He sounds French to me). AND, today we had that lecture thing (which is kinda like the fourth time I've had that lecture) and I met Andrew and Philip and Mark (?). Philip was from a high school, Andrew from a school in Massachusettes, and Mark from University of Buffalo (Andrew and Mark are from REU). So, I'm actually looking forward to working with them, it'll be nice having male people my age around so, yeah, cool. Okay, well off to running it is. =) I'll write some more later, I have to.

Light Day...

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 22:43:18 GMT

So, my first alarm sounded at 7 am and I of course turned it off (b/c I had another one set for 8 am and I had to leave at 8:30 am) and I was actually really happy b/c it felt like I was getting an extra hour of sleep. Nonetheless though, when I woke up I was still really tired.

Drove to BNL and Helio left an envelope with papers on the door and I picked them (they were Deb and mine's papers) up. I drove to SBU and got to the physics bldg at about 9:45 am (which is good time).

SO, what did we do today? Well, we started off today with a simple introducion to the lab view (gosh I still can't remember what it's called exactly). We learned how to run the scintillators and how to take the information they store and show them graphically. We also reviewed how to program the memory card/chip on the circuit box. We did this whilst waiting for Professor (Dr.?) Schamberger to put together a piece to connect the older circuit box to the voltmeter.

Oh my, it seems I've suddenly become very upset with things. If someone doesn't know me, what gives them a right to judge me? She has the nerve to call me "ew." I almost feel bad for her b/c she's ignorant and knows absolutely nothing about the situation. She thinks she knows b/c of what she hears, but what she doesn't know is that what she hears isn't true. Well, like I said I feel sympathy for her. She's such a sad person.... Hm... surprisingly that made me feel a whole lot better. =)

So anyway, back to Cosmic Rays. After we got the piece we basically did the same thing we did yesterday, but instead of plateauing (which doesn't ONLY concern the resistance) the resistance, we plateaued the threshold for each scintillator. This was a quite tedious and long process, but we did eventually finish it. HOWEVER, we didn't finish before making errors. Luckily there were only two trials that were not run correctly b/c we completely forgot to switch the resistance in the circuit to correspond to each individual scintillator. Lucky for us though, three of the scintillators had the same resistance so that worked out quite well for us actually. So we re-ran the last two trials and finished up. We played around with lab view a little longer and then we discussed what tomorrow held for us.

Also, during the process of waiting for all the runs on the threshold, we discussed our actual research and Nate talked to us about possibilities we had in working in the lab. The one I was most intrigued with was the possibility of putting together more circuits and scintillators. I found the idea thrilling and I will ask tomorrow about possibly getting some hands on experience in that area. I think I was most intrigued with this b/c of the short demo (not really a demo b/c it wasn't on purpose) Jack gave us in putting together a bunch of wires and stuff into the older circuit.

One question I had while we were running Lab View was the difference in having the rate collected at intervals of 100 secs of (for example) an hour. Nate explain this very well and I just wanted to record that. We use a lower amount of time b/c every second data is being collected and avergaed in over 100 secs and so if one of the scintillators died on us, lots of 0's might start to get averaged in and the rate would drop emormously. However, if we (let's say) set the interval to one hour, if a scintillator did indeed die, then we wouldn't notice b/c all the data points would be avergaed into an hour and this is like an infinate number of data points and therefore one little 0 won't really affect the rate and we won't be able to notice that something might be wrong until we receive many 0's. I'm not sure I'm explaining it very well, but then again I've never really been very good at explaining things. The thing is that with 100 seconds, there is a small amount of data points and so one that's really out there will affect the rate, but in one hour (3,600 seconds) the number of data points is much greater and therefore a number that out there won't really affect the rate for quite a while. So, that was bascially all of today.

Then I drove Deb to the West Apps and waited for her to give me her BNL forms that are due tomorrow. I also have to fill these out come to think of it. So I'll have to do that before the night is over. I also want to go to sleep early tonight, I'm so tired.

So Alan requested my prescence at home at (no later than) 3:15 pm. I get home and he is no where in sight. He missed his class and took my car for no reason. Ah oh well, I'll get over it. At least now I'm home and I don't need to go out so I think I'll be okay.

I'm still a bit worked up about that whole thing... but I suppose life will go on and I will get better. In the end, the only people that really matter are your family and friends and she is neither to me, so I'm just gonna forget her! But I do think that what bothers me more is that he lied to me. He made me a promise and he isn't keeping it and I guess that's what's really bothering me, that's what's really hurting me... Well, forget both of them! =) Cool. I'll write more tomorrow. I'm not really in a writing mood today, today is not such a good day.

Although I did want to write about something earlier and that was that while I was in the kitchen this morning making a milkshake, I thought to myself, "writing in my livejournal is both easy and enjoyable... it also keeps my memories safe and allows me to blow off some steam b/c it always listens to me, no matter what." That's when it occurred to me that I should be a writer, but unfortunately at this point I'm not willingly to change my major or anything like that b/c like I've said before a million times, I'm a year into my major and changing now would be silly. But I do believe I should be a journalist or something of that nature. Maybe once I get tired of being a doctor I'll publish my first novel. =)

WTF!

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 04:33:37 GMT

Okay, so when my mother left me with dad's car (and took Alan's b/c ours are both in need of repair) she left me with the message, "people are going to have ot make sacrifices to help each other out, I mean you and Alan." So, I get it, she doesn't want us to fight over who gets the car, that's fine with me. Alan says to me yesterday and the day before, "I want to go to the gym so can we leave a bit earlier?" I say, "of course, but you drive." I, of course, already know that Alan's not ever the type of person to wake up. I know he won't go to the gym, but even if he does want to, I'm willing to wake up earlier and leave earlier for his sake. So, far I've only seen myself sacrificing myself for him to be comfortable. So he comes to me (while I'm already asleep mind you) and says to me, "can you leave me the car tomorrow?" I say, "of course, just drop me off at school first." "Do you think you could catch a ride with Tania and Toliy?" Now, the idea of this alone makes me really mad! Just that he would even dare to ask of me such a thing makes me feel offended. I never ask anyone for anything. I work hard for what I have and I don't like asking people for favors, esp. if I don't have to. I don't want to "owe them one." Even though they'll say "oh just forget about it." I know better than that and I know that it'll be following me. He's asking me to sacrifice myself so that he can sleep in!!! Of all the fucking things in the world, he wants the car so that he can sleep in!!! That's so amazingly selfish; I can't begin to tell you how selfish that is. So I tell him basically that him sleeping in and me taking a ride with Tania and Toliy is going to be very difficult for me, but he seems perfectly fine and willingly to put me through that just so that he can have a good time with his girlfriend (who, btw has a car). The thing for me is that I have to stop at Brookhaven tomorrow morning to pick up some paperwork for Deb and I. So I tell him b/c of that I can't catch a ride with T and T. So he says to me, "well how about you leave earlier and go to the lab and then come back home, leave your car and then go with T and T. He is so amazingly selfish. So, I tell him, "why can't you just drive me to school and then take the car (b/c I really have no probelm with that)?" He tells me that that won't work for him b/c he took the day off (ooooohh, let's all cheer for Alan taking the day off, let's all bow down to his greatness b/c he's so generous that he's waited until now to take his day off even though he's been suffering through sleepless nights). I go through sleepy days EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE! That's life! It's tough, but you deal with it. You don't use it as an excuse to make my life difficult. Plus, it's not MY fault that he's always tired. If he'd only learn to function on a regular clock then maybe he wouldn't be so damn tired all the time. No one tells him (and even then least of me) to go to sleep at ridiculous hours of the night. In fact, I always tell him to get to his work early so that he can get some rest. He says all this to me while I'm sleepy. I'm running on like 5 hours of sleep last night and I fell asleep at about 8 pm b/c I was so damn tired, but this was SOOO important that he had to wake me up and as a consequence now I'm PO'ed and I can't get back to sleep! So finally I says to him, "FINE! I'll catch the ride with T and T even though this is really inconvenient for me, but I'll set my alarm earlier and wake up earlier and drive to and from the lab and then catch a ride with them just so you can get your sleep." I mean he could go to sleep NOW so that he won't be tired tomorrow. The most ridiculous part is that I have to drive to BNL and then back home and then to go to school I have to drive past BNL again! When the most logical thing to do is go to BNL and then straight to Stony Brook, but NOOOOOOO! We all have to accomidate Prince Alan. The thing is, I'm telling him, "I'd really prefer not to do this and there's a simpel solution that would make it easiest for all of us and that's that you drive me to school and take the car, but NOO!!! He's needs his precious sleep when I can recall many a times when I woke up early so that he could get wherever the fuck he needed to go (i.e. his final exams, going to his gym, getting to class on time)!

Well I just spoke to my mother and she told me that I was being perfectly rational which makes me feel somewhat better b/c she usu says I'm being vengeful whenever I try and explain things to her. She's totally backing me one hundred percent here which is good and so is my father which is doubly good.

The whole Fast and the Furious thing is so played out. When will people realize that the idea of a movie about cars without Vin Diesal is pretty boring. Wow, I feel a lot better.

Talking to my mom she was telling about the troubles she was having with her extremely ignorant coworkers. Well, so I guess i haven't really talked about what happened there, but this is what happened. My mom was working in her station place and this lady (who my mother had only asked to make a dress for her, but took that as they were now best of friends) comes up behind her and pokes her with a needle which I even have to admit is very distasteful. The needle could be very infected or something (esp. considering the fact that she'd used it to poke other people). My mom yelped when she felt the poke (which btw is bothering her now, it's itchy and hurting, so I think we may have a lawsuit on our hands) and the lady was ofended when my mother (as a natural reflex) yelped. She said something along the lines of "we're not in high school anymore and yet you're causing a scene like a high schooler." The lady was so ignorant and unreasonable.

Jimmy called me today. =) He's getting settled in Ireland, has lots of orientation to look forward to. I can't wait 'til he gets back! I miss him! Okay, well now I'm off, =) I feel a lot more giddy now.

Oh yeah, actually I also wanted to keep a log about how my labs are going. Well today we met in my old WISE room with Nate and Deb. Michael Marx found us in that room and directed us to another one, a lab room. So, Marx gave us a talk about Cosmic Rays and charged particles and MARIACHI project. I'm so shy when it comes to asking question or praticipating. I don't really understand why I can't just speak up. I have such a hard opening my mouth, even when I know I have the right answer. I refuse to say anything b/c, well that's just it, I have no idea why. ANYWAY, so after Marx's lecture, we worked or as Helio and Marx put it, we "played" with Nathan. It made me laugh everytime they said, "now go play with Nathan." Teehee, still it's making me giggle.

So, experiment-wise: we had a set-up of five scintillators (two stacked up in now corner and the other three in a rectangular shape) and learned how to use LabMat (is that what it's called?). SO, what bascially is gonna happen is that we're gonna set up various of these setups in various high schools and also we're going to first bring five to BNL. However, before we move them we want to calibrate them and see the difference (assuming there is any) post-transportation by calibrating the scintillators again. We calibrate them in (I believe) various ways, but the one way we chose to do today was to "plateau" the scintillators. So what does plateauing mean exactly? Well, two things that can affect the number of counts the scintillators pick up are threshold and resistance in the circuit. Plateauing involves using only the resistance. So, when you look at the probability of a coincidence (at a given threshold) as a function of resistance, the graph will increase parabolically almost until it reaches a certain resistance and then it will plateau (if set at the correct threshold, it needs to be at a certain threshold otherwise the graph will not plateau, but rather look a lot like a parabola) and we want to see what the range of this plateau is and find the center of it and set the scintilators resistance to that number b/c it will give us some leighweigh in the case that it might slightly move or something like that. Also, another important key is that each scintillator (although they may be very similar) are not identical, this is why we have to plateau each scintillator individually. One of our tasks or goals kind of, will be to create instructions on how to operate the threshold on the scintillators which is controlled with an Iron screw, for a few reasons. One: so that the high school gets hands one experience, Two: so they feel like they own these, Three: so they get aquainted with the equipmeent, and Four: so that in the future if the scintillators need to be calibrated again, they'll at least know how to change the threshold. As for resistance, they won't need to alter the resistance b/c we will already send out the circuits with the appropriete resistors in the circuit already. So, using a setup of three scintillators, Deb and I "plateaued" all five scintillators. We did this, of course, with Nate's help and also, we started with two scintillators of known and constant resistance, but even then, we plateaued them ourselves just to make sure that they were indeed correct. The threshold is controlled and measured using a voltmeter connected to the circuit while we screw in or out the Iron, so it's pretty precise and easy to do.

One wow moment I had today was watching Jack pull apart and put together the older circuit (which Nate explained to us was not as good as the new one b/c there was a whole quarter of the box that was open voltage and considering the fact that it'll be placed in high schools, having open voltage was not a good idea). So, I was so impressed that someone could just pull something apart and change it to their desires. It was awesome watching him work, inspired me.

The project itself is much more interesting and intriguing and overall awesome than I had originally made it out to be. The only problem is that it's more of a physics thing. I would really have no problem with changing my major, the only problem is that I've already spend a year in Biology, it would just cause me to spend an extra year to start in physics. However, a very good thing about this project is that I'm learning a lot about physics and I think it'll really help when the time comes to take it. I'm actually reconsidering working on this project for a very long time, it might be kinda cool.

This is what started it all, this is awesome, watch the short film of South Park that started it all.

What Do I Do Now?

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 01:05:16 GMT

I'm intrigued. I really want to see "The Lakehouse." The idea of the movie is terrible. I just know I'm gonna go in all excited about the movie only to have all my hopes crushed by the utterly and shamefully cliched movie it's going to be. More than actually watching the movie, I think I just want to know the story. The idea of two people living two years apart and somehow meeting is intriguing, even though I know it's going to be something idiotically cliched, well enough of that.

I woke up this monring at 12:30 pm. Well, I suppose I didn't really wake up this morning, but I woke up eventually. I did some dishes and made breakfast for like an hour. I was kinding hoping it would take that long b/c once I got up I didn't know what to do with myself. I watered my tomatoes, washed the dishes, did my whole morning routine (i.e. brush my teeth, change clothes, fix hair), had breakfast, packed some snacks, and fixed the house up a bit. I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm not used to not having school or classes, but it's kinda cool.

I miss the feeling of water, as in the pool. I need to go swimming and I need to go soon. I'm gonna go to the BNL pool very soon. I just need to remember to bring my swim suit and all.

Jimmy's officially left the United States. His flight left at 7:40 pm and he arrives a little after 1:00 am. I'm gonna miss him! At least he got a webcam and all so we can chat online. He'll be back soon though. I just gotta think of it as less than a month, I mean technically he's gonna be back before June is over, the 28th to be exact.

Will update later... Playing Uno with Tania and Toliy... =)